Posts tagged personal
i put on my bucketlist that i want to read at least three books this summer. so far on my reading list…
if you have any of these books and wouldn’t mind be borrowing let me know! and if anyone has any other suggestions, feel free! (:
i was the girl in high school who said i’d never do long distance. which makes sense if you know me. my love language is quality time. i feel loved and feel like i’m loving others if i’m spending all my time with them and i’m with them in person. well, here i am currently doing long distance with my boyfriend. and long distance with him is very much worth it though not ideal.
my past consists of unhealthy dependency, deep attachment, loving, caring, and missing much more than the other person, there was absolutely no balance. i didn’t think those things would play so much into how i dealt with my current relationship, but it does. it does and i think it sucks. it put a fear in me that i didn’t ask for. a worry that doesn’t need to be there. i feared coming across as clingy or too attached. i worried i wouldn’t love well or i’d love more (which isn’t even possible). i thought that i was going to soon become the person i once was. i didn’t know what loving from a distance looked like.
i realized it’s okay to not know. no one is asking me to know how to do this exactly right, no one except me. i came into it thinking i’d know exactly how to do long distance well. i expected myself to handle it flawlessly because if i didn’t i failed. the thought that also stayed in the back of my mind was if i messed up, i’d ruin a good relationship. i was sitting in fear of losing him because of my clinginess or always wanting to talk to him. that shouldn’t be the case though. missing him and wanting to talk to him as much as possible isn’t a bad thing. i’ve spent practically every day with him the past four months. it’d be weird if i didn’t want to be with him or even miss him. i think i wanted to discount those feelings because it was a reflection of someone i was in the past. someone who i never wanted to be again.
i couldn’t sit in those fears anymore. i’m restored and a new person. me feeling those things are actually a reflection of my love and care for someone who is extremely important to me. a good friend had to remind me that it is worth it to allow myself to depend on someone again. it is worth it to let myself miss him and love him from a distance. that there is a tad bit of strength in admitting to feeling lost without him. when you’ve allowed someone into your heart, to not feel those things would actually be a bit prideful and heartless. i had to look at these emotions and feelings in a more positive light. they are evidence that i do love and care well. it shows that God gave me someone who is worth feeling all these things for and that won’t go in vain.
in reality i’m getting to spend almost every morning waking up to a phone call and praying with him. a short, sweet conversation that puts Jesus back into the center of who we are personally, but even more so our relationship. in reality i’m getting to send letters to someone, which i love doing. in reality we get to be apart for long amounts of time and are able to get excited when one of us visits the other person. in reality he will still love me even if i didn’t talk to him 24/7. in reality God blessed me with someone amazing. in reality there is nothing wrong with missing someone a ton. in reality this summer is going to be spent drawing myself close to my Savior and in turn will draw me closer to Donavan.
and as i prayed this morning for the Lord to help me, He clearly said, “you are going to love and you are going to love well, even if it is from a distance.”
well, summer 2013 has arrived. let’s see what is on the list this year (:
things will be added and crossed off as the summer goes on. it is good to be home and this summer will be one to remember.
It is 11:30 on a Sunday night and I realize I have three days left of my sophomore year of college. I don’t understand how I got here. 2 big papers are completed. One more paper, a test, and I’m officially done. I can’t wrap my mind around it quite yet. I’m halfway done with college. When did this happen?
Whatever the case may be, I wouldn’t have made it without the grace of God and His strength being constant in my life. This year was long, good, fun, hard, challenging, the list goes on. None of it could’ve been done without the Lord. I’m thankful for the college I go to. Thankful for the people I’ve met and built relationship with. Thankful for how my relationship with Christ has grown so much. My love for ministry and people grows more and more each day. Then of course there are days where that is not the case, but God’s call is still pressed on my heart. I’m excited for His plan and what He has for me.
With that said, here’s to the last 3 days of my sophomore year. I’m going to finish strong and well.
today i dye my hair.
i’m quite excited.
I have failed miserably when it comes to my relationship with the Lord. I haven’t given Him much of my time. Come to think of it, I haven’t given Him much of anything. And in realizing this, I could’ve given myself a hard time, been frustrated, and wallowed in my failure. But instead I knew the only thing I could do is start over. Forgetting past failures, realizing I’m forgiven, and entering into a new start with my relationship with the Lord. Though I’ve been distant, though I fell short, though I ignored Him for so long, I’m restarting. Entering back into the commitment of having an intimate relationship with my Savior.
With restarting there comes a refreshed Spirit that overwhelmed my soul. I participated in an unplugged worship night tonight at school and Jesus refreshed me in all areas that needed it. Humbly I came before Him knowing I wasn’t worthy but wanted to come back to Him. His heart. His love. His arms. In a moment, He whispered to me, I love you. I love you for your heart and who you are, not what you need to be for me. I walked out of chapel feeling loved and refreshed by my Heavenly Father.
And with that I remember who I serve. I serve a God who loves far beyond anything you can imagine. The past week I’ve had quite a few emotional moments when thinking about the Cross. The God who sent His Son to die. The forgiveness that entered this world. The shame and guilt which bore on the Cross. Remembering this act. This selfless, powerful act reminds me of the love I’ve received. The love I don’t deserve yet is still given to me unconditionally. I’m thankful. I’m humbled. I’m honored. And and on top of all those things I just remember. Because the Cross is worth remembering. Remembering it far beyond what I’ve given it credit for in the past.
Because of His sacrifice, I am able to start over. Because of His sacrifice, I am refreshed with His love. Because of His sacrifice, I remember the God who will forever be worth serving.
this morning i received a text from a good friend. to try to explain to you how perfect her timing was in sending this message is pointless. no one will really understand. but after trying to endure through this past week, everything she said was exactly what i needed to hear…
It’s beautiful here in Georgia today. Spending time in Matthew 5… Hearing Jesus proclaim that the reign of God is here and in this kingdom we find all things our souls ache for.. The poor in spirit will inherit the richness of the goodness of God’s kingdom. And I am just thinking about you, and am so grateful for you in my life, and I’m praying for you for strength and peace and endurance as the year starts to demand that things be wrapped up. And I am just siting here, freshly aware that I may not be able to understand who God is fully and completely.. Though I may not fully understand what He is doing in me and in my life.. But I know this: Jesus is everything I need. He is everything I have been waiting for. The reign of God is here. It’s here. And Jesus is everything I need. Your Messiah, your rescue, your Savior, your king… Everything you need, everything you’ve been waiting for… He is here. And He is with you. I love you friend. Miss you.
Megan. You’ve changed my life in the small amount of time we had together at school. And you continue to change my life even from a distance. Thank you for your encouragement, support, and love.
The best birthday to date.
It was the first time I had celebrated my birthday while being away at school and it was wonderful.
The festivities started on Sunday night when my three best girl friends took me to Bj’s for our favorite pizookies. It was so nice for the four of us to be back together, laughing, and enjoying each others company. I’m blessed by these three ladies. They encourage me, teach me, and keep me accountable on a daily basis. When midnight hit I was glad that they were the three people I got to share my first minutes of being 19 with.
Monday was my actual birthday and my boyfriend got me the best gift I could ever ask for. I received a day at Disneyland. I haven’t been there since my pass expired last year and I had been dying to go back. As cliche as it sounds, my birthday was pretty magical. Disneyland does something to your heart. It brings a nostalgia you can’t shake off. It encompasses a childlike essence that makes you smile. And I got to share it with some of my favorite people. I was filled with much joy from wearing a birthday button, eating a churro, going on all my favorite rides, and being spoiled by a man who I am so blessed to have in my life. It was certainly a day well spent.
Fortunately my birthday didn’t stop there. The next day I spent it celebrating with my SoCal family. We got to have a pool party at my friend Lyndsey’s apartment who we were also celebrating. You can’t really go wrong with sunshine, swimming, burgers, and an ice cream bar. My friends are too good to me and it was a very fun time.
When we got back I got a surprise when I entered into my quad. There were daisies lined up towards my room and when I walked in, my boyfriends flamingo (no, not a real flamingo), Baldwin, was standing on my desk with a black tie around his neck. Donavan’s cellphone was on my desk with a sign that said to press play and when I did Suit&Tie by Justin Timberlake began to play and if you know the first words it says, “I can’t wait ‘til I get you on the floor, good looking”… We all know what this meant. I brought his phone back downstairs and he sweetly asked me to our school’s social. It was an adorable surprise and a wonderful way to end my night.
All in all, the past few days have brought me much happiness and joy. I am surrounded by people that love and care about me. God is always present. I’ve seen the blessings He’s given me and I’m incredibly thankful.
Here’s to 19. I cannot wait to see what this year holds for me.
the past four days have been a whirlwind of events. i can’t even begin to describe the love i have for my family though.
my grandma passed away last weekend so thursday and friday was filled with viewings, memorial services, receptions, and a burial. needless to say there was a lot of time spent with my family. it wasn’t easy and i went through many different emotions. but after many tears, frowns, laughs, and smiles i am so incredibly thankful for the family i have. to see my father and his siblings go up there and speak so many uplifting and positive words about their mom was beautiful. standing alongside my brothers gave me a strength i needed to get through it all. and in the midst of the sad moments i found many joyful moments because this weekend was spent with people that fill my heart.
there aren’t enough words to express my love and gratitude for each of them. all i can say is that they aren’t people i should ever take for granted. through the bad times and the good times we were right by each others side supporting and loving each other. these people are the ones that will always be around and i need to take care of them and love them with every chance i get. this weekend was both draining and refreshing. but i’m blessed and God is a constant within my family, and for that i am grateful.
In the span of two weeks I have experienced a lot of life.
Lately, the authenticity of my relationship with the Lord has been non-existent. It seems like I’m just going through the motions. It’s like I’ve got the routine of the Christian life down to a tee. To be honest, it’s quite annoying. When I experience dry seasons I notice the way it affects all the other areas of my life. And it sucks.
So, I’m expecting my spring break to be this time for me to pull myself together, get some rest (spiritually, emotionally, physically), and come back to school rejuvenated and ready to take on the world. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. Don’t get me wrong, spring break was fun and somewhat relaxing. I slept in, went on adventures, spent time with family/friends. But I didn’t find myself getting any kind of rest that I was hoping for. On top of that grandma got sick while I was home. And a trip to the hospital was an order, but lets be real, hospitals are never fun. Emotionally, I was exhausted. Spiritually, I still felt dry. Physically, well I just thank the Lord for getting to sleep in because I needed it. But sadly, I came back to school feeling more drained than before I left.
Now, I’m back at school. I came back Thursday night exhausted and I attempted to get myself ready to tackle homework. Well, we all know that wasn’t going to happen. Friday was spent mostly at my boyfriends house with his family. My dad called me that night and come to find out my grandma wasn’t doing too well. Her kidney was failing and the family had decided to not making any type of decisions in order to prolong her life. At this point, I didn’t know how to feel or what to do. So, Saturday looked no different, I had no desire to be on campus and so another day spent at a place which has slowly become my second home while living in SoCal. Homework got accomplished and I spent the rest of the day being lazy and that was nice. Sunday morning, I got the call. My grandma had went to be with the Lord and I’ll be flying right back home as soon as they planned out all the funeral arrangements. It all happened so fast. Now I’m feeling a lot of weight on my shoulders. What the weight is, I’m not quite sure. I just know there’s a lot I was already trying to work through and this was an added thing that I wish I didn’t have to deal with. Another night was spent at my boyfriends house figuring out how to cope while being away from my family. (On a sidenote: I got blessed with an amazing boyfriend and his family. They took me in three days straight just so I could get away. Plus his mom bought me flowers and a card yesterday.) Then come to find out my car is being dumb and ended with not feeling all too well this morning.
At this point you all kinda get where I’m at. Sure it seems like a lot of complaining, but let me be real and honest, I’m not as joyful or happy as I want to be. I feel alone, confused, heavy, sad, and all I really want is to be with my family. But being with them is happening under sad circumstances. Not very ideal. I’m going through a lot and I know I need God. Everything inside of me is screaming to be close to the Lord again, but I dont’ feel it. I don’t feel Him. I feel dry and far from Him and I hate it. And on the other side of that I’m having a hard time allowing people to take care of me or for me to take care of myself. I’d rather not have any of it. I don’t know what taking care of myself looks like or even allowing others to do it. I’m frustrated and tired. And it’s all been a lot.
I’m sorry you took time to read all this and I have no positive attitude within my conclusion. I guess I’m just asking for some prayer because I don’t have the strength to do it for myself. Because no matter where I am with the Lord, I know prayer is still powerful. And because I know I just need it.
Thanks.
jumbled up and chaotic… here you go…
To be honest, it’s quite silly. As if running away would be the best escape…
This may sound vain, but I wasn’t a very insecure girl growing up. I had brief moments, but for the most part I knew who I was. I had grown to learn that my identity was in Christ. My parents drilled it in me and they always reassured me in who I was.
Now, as an adult I find myself having constant moments of feeling insecure in who I am. It could be because I’m off on my own figuring out who I am in this big world. It could be the fact I’ve entered into a relationship with someone who cares about me more than I can imagine. And I’m trying so hard to be enough for everyone and everything.
I don’t want to say I’m losing sight of who I am. I know who that person is. I guess I don’t feel as confident or secure as I used to. I’m being challenged. I see God still bringing up moments of my past in order to weed out the bad in my life. It’s not easy though. It hasn’t been the greatest process to feel insecure in who I am. I also find myself being disappointed in myself because I haven’t reached the high expectation I put on myself. This expectation that I have to have it all together for the world. As if having it all together all of a sudden means I’m good enough. If that is the case, I’ve missed the point completely.
because really…
My security is in my Savior.
fantastic reminders.
I swear, I got it so good when I found someone that loves spending as much time by the ocean as I do.
Today was filled with many lovely moments.
I got the pleasure of meeting my boyfriends grandparents. Who by the way are two phenomenal people. They welcomed me with open arms and embraced me as if I was their own grandchild. It was a heart-warming feeling for one who did not grow up with grandparents. They took us out to lunch and it was nice getting to know two people that have made such a huge impact in a person that I deeply care about. His grandpa looked at me and said, “You both chose well.” A sweet man who reminded us to take things slow and a joyful woman who made me laugh.
From there we headed to what is known to be one of the top cleanest beaches in California. Good’ol Manhattan Beach did us some good. Cloudy and cold we sat by the waves and enjoyed each others company. An afternoon by the ocean has been #1 on my perfect date list and it finally came to pass today. One of my favorite things about today is that I spent it with someone who doesn’t mind sitting in complete silence whilst breathing in the fresh ocean air and enjoying the warm sand. Then there were sweet moments that followed. We talked, we laughed, we listened to R&B oldies. He’d kiss me on the forehead and tell me I’m pretty, I’d glance his way and thank God for blessing me with this wonderful young man. The sun began to set behind the many clouds and I had never seen anything like it. It was literally covered so all you could see was a bright orange sky disappear behind the ocean. A beautiful ending to our little getaway.
I was reminded today that more than anything else he wants to be my best friend that takes care of me and encourages me to draw closer to God.
I like him. I like the ocean. I like that God brought us together.
