choose joy.

loving from a distance.

i was the girl in high school who said i’d never do long distance. which makes sense if you know me. my love language is quality time. i feel loved and feel like i’m loving others if i’m spending all my time with them and i’m with them in person. well, here i am currently doing long distance with my boyfriend. and long distance with him is very much worth it though not ideal. 

my past consists of unhealthy dependency, deep attachment, loving, caring, and missing much more than the other person, there was absolutely no balance. i didn’t think those things would play so much into how i dealt with my current relationship, but it does. it does and i think it sucks. it put a fear in me that i didn’t ask for. a worry that doesn’t need to be there. i feared coming across as clingy or too attached. i worried i wouldn’t love well or i’d love more (which isn’t even possible). i thought that i was going to soon become the person i once was. i didn’t know what loving from a distance looked like. 

i realized it’s okay to not know. no one is asking me to know how to do this exactly right, no one except me. i came into it thinking i’d know exactly how to do long distance well. i expected myself to handle it flawlessly because if i didn’t i failed. the thought that also stayed in the back of my mind was if i messed up, i’d ruin a good relationship. i was sitting in fear of losing him because of my clinginess or always wanting to talk to him. that shouldn’t be the case though. missing him and wanting to talk to him as much as possible isn’t a bad thing. i’ve spent practically every day with him the past four months. it’d be weird if i didn’t want to be with him or even miss him. i think i wanted to discount those feelings because it was a reflection of someone i was in the past. someone who i never wanted to be again. 

i couldn’t sit in those fears anymore. i’m restored and a new person. me feeling those things are actually a reflection of my love and care for someone who is extremely important to me. a good friend had to remind me that it is worth it to allow myself to depend on someone again. it is worth it to let myself miss him and love him from a distance. that there is a tad bit of strength in admitting to feeling lost without him. when you’ve allowed someone into your heart, to not feel those things would actually be a bit prideful and heartless. i had to look at these emotions and feelings in a more positive light. they are evidence that i do love and care well. it shows that God gave me someone who is worth feeling all these things for and that won’t go in vain. 

in reality i’m getting to spend almost every morning waking up to a phone call and praying with him. a short, sweet conversation that puts Jesus back into the center of who we are personally, but even more so our relationship. in reality i’m getting to send letters to someone, which i love doing. in reality we get to be apart for long amounts of time and are able to get excited when one of us visits the other person. in reality he will still love me even if i didn’t talk to him 24/7. in reality God blessed me with someone amazing. in reality there is nothing wrong with missing someone a ton. in reality this summer is going to be spent drawing myself close to my Savior and in turn will draw me closer to Donavan.

and as i prayed this morning for the Lord to help me, He clearly said, “you are going to love and you are going to love well, even if it is from a distance.” 

summer 2013 bucket list.

well, summer 2013 has arrived. let’s see what is on the list this year (: 

• Spend an afternoon at Golden Gate Park (bike ride, picnic, explore)
• Go to at least 3 SF Giants games 
• Spend a day at Santa Cruz
• Buy a floppy sunhat and overalls  
• Tan as much as the SF weather allows 
• Enjoy a staycation with the family and explore the Bay Area
• Complete an arts&crafts project 
• Walk my dog 
• Roadtrip to SoCal at least once 
• Have many fun filled beach days 
• Go to a concert 
• Buy a toe ring 
• Dye my hair a rad color 
• Get a new stereo system for Stella 
• Eat at new cool cafe’s in the City 
• Wear cute sundresses as often as possible 
• Make homemade lemonade 
• Babysit my niece  
• Work hard as an intern for theMovement 
• Make a musical cover with my brother 
• Read 3 books for fun 
• Write letters to my boyfriend 
• Finish season 9 of One Tree Hill 
• Lead someone to Christ 
• Attend a pool party 
• Set off fireworks on July 4th
• Rest. Rejuvenate. Relax. 

things will be added and crossed off as the summer goes on. it is good to be home and this summer will be one to remember. 

3 days.

It is 11:30 on a Sunday night and I realize I have three days left of my sophomore year of college. I don’t understand how I got here. 2 big papers are completed. One more paper, a test, and I’m officially done. I can’t wrap my mind around it quite yet. I’m halfway done with college. When did this happen? 

Whatever the case may be, I wouldn’t have made it without the grace of God and His strength being constant in my life. This year was long, good, fun, hard, challenging, the list goes on. None of it could’ve been done without the Lord. I’m thankful for the college I go to. Thankful for the people I’ve met and built relationship with. Thankful for how my relationship with Christ has grown so much. My love for ministry and people grows more and more each day. Then of course there are days where that is not the case, but God’s call is still pressed on my heart. I’m excited for His plan and what He has for me.

With that said, here’s to the last 3 days of my sophomore year. I’m going to finish strong and well. 

Micah 6:8

act justly.
love mercy.
walk humbly.

this is what the Lord requires of us.