it has been by far the hardest semester of my college career. God has brought me in and through so many trials and temptations. and He has been faithful. but through it all i lost sight of myself. i didn’t believe in myself. i felt unworthy, not good enough, alone. i hurt people deeply. people hurt me deeply. i pulled away from God. i overcomplicated things. i had too high expectations of myself and others. i believed the lie of the enemy. i didn’t believe in myself. i didn’t like or even love myself.
so, fight after fight with friends, with God, with myself, i couldn’t handle it. i wasn’t going to be a good enough friend if i didn’t believe i was a good friend. i wasn’t going to love my boyfriend well if i didn’t believe i loved well. i wasn’t going to draw closer to God if i kept choosing to pull away from Him. this had to stop. this season of hurt, shame, frustration, and anger needed to stop.
one of the hardest things to do is to forgive yourself. to forgive myself for hurting people. to forgive myself for not spending enough time with the Lord. to forgive myself when i was selfish. it was like all my hurt was because of my own self. it felt like it was all my fault that i was feeling this way. but in reality it was really the devil taking my flaws, my mistakes and convincing me that this is where my identity lied. i was beginning to believe the enemy more than the truths God had spoken over my life time and time again this semester. this isn’t my fault.
i am a human. a human who makes mistakes. to expect myself to have it all together and understand everything all the time is dumb. i will fail. not because i choose to, but because that is the nature of being a human being. and just because i fail doesn’t mean i’m not good enough or unworthy. it means i made a mistake. and all those around me have forgiven me for it, why can’t i forgive myself? it’s because i forgot that Jesus loves me. because i hadn’t believed in who i truly am in such a long time. i didn’t choose to love who God created me to be.
i am a wonderful friend. i am good enough. i am worthy to be loved by those around me. i am patient and kind. i care well. i’m honest and true. i’m a servant. and in knowing these things i forgive myself for this past semester. i forgive myself for past mistakes, for hurting others, for not spending enough time with the Lord. and i take these truths about myself and believe in them. i believe in who I am and who God has called and created me to be. my mistakes do not define who i am. i am a child of God saved by grace.
believe in who God has created you to be. forgive yourself. love yourself again. you’re worthy. from first hand experience i know that is hard to believe sometimes, but it is true. and the moment you start believing it that is the moment you will truly feel it as well.